As promised, here are five insecurities and what I have learned from them. That transparency stuff is harder to write than I thought, but I hope it encourages and grows you. It did me.
1. Body Image:
Oh gracious, what a can of worms. I have never cared for my legs with the
remarkable bone structure that makes one of them crooked (plus their amazing
ability to bruise just by looking at the corner of my bed). Nor my long fingers
that I have affectionately called witch claws all my life, or the ridiculous
little mole on the side of my nose that in my college days I gave serious
thought to putting a nose piercing right through. There's more, but I know we
can all relate and fill a page with our dislikes. Here is what I have learned.
NOBODY notices these things about me! I
have learned that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made"
and when I am putting on my makeup in the morning and my daughter asks me why I
wear makeup......I struggle to find an adequate answer.
At the end of school last year my SIX YEAR
OLD began to struggle with body image. She was terrified of getting fat and as
a result not wanting to eat much. I panicked the day she turned down a bowl of
applesauce as a snack. We don't really discuss weight in our house. We don't
obsess over wearing the right clothes (beyond making them match) or size or
excersize (though my husband is trying to loose weight to support this cause, still we only talk about the orphans
it helps, not Daddy's waistline). Where was this coming from?!
My precious kindergartner, whose over
active imagination takes everything she sees as very plausible, had
watched.....wait for it.......Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. She didn't want to be the mayor.
Oh my stars! We had a long talk about
reality verses fiction (which is a whole different can of worms) and what
healthy eating ACTUALLY looks like and she has been perfectly content ever
since. She no longer turns down applesauce.
It starts early friends. A sobering
thought.
2. My
Home and Possesions: We have so many unfinished projects in our house it is starting
to get ridiculous. I have been staring at the same un-mudded drywall in my
bathroom for 5+ years. My carpet is old and no stanley steamer visit has been
able to bring it back to its former glory.
I am also naturally a messy person. I am struggling
to learn how to just “live” in my house. My mind wants things organized and
pretty. I hate clutter. So I go back and forth between so spotless that I feel confident
we could eat from the toilet rim, to so messy my kids are begging for the
chance to help me clean (even though they’ve been following me around creating
the chaos).
Note:
this clean streak NEVER applies to laundry……..If I had all the wealth in the
world I would buy new clothes every time the basket gets full. To me it is the
chore that requires the MOST work with the least reward. After all, who is
opening your dresser drawer and complimenting you on the nicely folded, sweet
smelling clothes?
So naturally, when I walk into my dear friend’s
house who went into withdrawals when her vacuum broke…….I get a little of the
green eyed monster. And don’t even get me started on HGTV. I have a love/hate
relationship with that station.
And then God took me to Kampala Uganda.
To live with a little less, and appreciate what you
have a little more has been a richly rewarding lens adjustment.
We are learning to live within our budget and if
that means driving a 200,000 mile minivan with a window that won’t roll down
and a smidge of rust on it or approaching repairs on our home one small piece
at a time….I’ll take it. I am grateful I can drive my kids to school and have a
safe place to live. I also hope I have learned to make room for my budget to go
where there are eternal implications. So many people were willing to sacrifice
their money to bring a little girl with no future into our family. How could I
live the same way after that?
|
Formative years me
My Parents graciously let
me get contacts and I wisely
cut my hair. Still...the braces. |
3. My
Intellect: One of my very special friends from high school was getting married.
This event was a big deal as they had been dating forever and had invited every
person I walked through the most awkward stages of my life with.
Tush length
long uncombed hair stage, check.
Acne stage, check.
Ridiculous boy chasing
stage, check.
Every blessed awkward word out of my un-monitored mouth? Check.
They had seen it all. So naturally this
event had me picking the “right dress”, grooming the husband adequately, and
hoping to give the impression that I was mature, cultured, and intelligent.
Right. Sitting at this table next to old crush locker mate and his beautiful
wife we begin discussing another friend’s anticipated move to Seattle. We live
in Indiana. And Educated me opens her mouth and says
“At least you won’t be very far away” because the
word St. Louis had entered my brain the moment she said Seattle.
The silence was stunning. I promise I know where
Seattle is. I’m not sure they know that I know where Seattle is. This happens
all the time.
I value learning, adore studying history, and mostly get good grades. Yet some how I feel dumb around friends who have finished their PHDs while I am still struggling to finish my Bachelors. (I keep putting it on hold for the family).
Yet do I value knowledge or wisdom? I think education is incredibly important (I want to be a teacher for crying out loud), but if my value comes from the degrees listed after my name or my ability to tell witty jokes and recall trivia, then I am misunderstanding the value of Wisdom. Education is a tool, not a definition. The wisdom I should value seeking is actually foolishness to the world.
4. My Parenting: Anyone else’s head spin with the
Mommy wars? I recently watched two blogs take each other on. One mom was
encouraging Mothers to put their digital devices down so as not to miss the
precious moments of their children’s lives, while the other was encouraging
mother’s to take a break from all the mommy guilt and pick up the device again.
Both had good intentions. But the comments….oh the comments. The debate seemed
as heated as the breastfeeding war. Parenting, especially Motherhood is a
sensitive subject. When I was pregnant EVERYONE had an opinion on how I should
raise my littles, or even how my pregnancy should play out. I thought I’d get a
break from that when we were adopting. All of you adoptive Mamas are laughing
hysterically right now. In addition to external guilt, I place a lot on myself
and my anxiety over my children. Am I meeting their emotional needs so they are
secure? Am I preparing them for school? Am I giving them enough independence and
responsibilities so that they grow up with integrity instead of entitlement?
When I lose my cool, and yell, have I failed them? Or my most terrifying
thought…what if they turn away from Jesus when they are older because I didn’t
live out our faith right in our home?
What I have learned as I raise these treasures on
loan to me has been huge. To begin, God entrusted them to me. That can feel
overwhelming, but it also encourages me. If He entrusted them to me, with all
their unique needs, gifts and struggles, He will be there to help me raise
them. Because of this I have learned that when I fail, I should go to Him about
it. Shame and self loathing do nothing. The God who designs souls can redeem
and restore. And when I do something right or my children show the fruit of that,
I need to praise Him. When wisdom completely leaves me in difficult situations,
I need to seek His wisdom above all else (including the blog comments).
As for the pressure of others I’ve learned a few
things as well. First believe it or not is to listen. Much of the advice of
others even when unwanted comes from a place of experience or deep conviction.
Self reflection is not a bad thing when used out of a desire to do our best by
our children and not a place of needless shame. Our automatic response should
not always be defensive. We have a lot to learn from each other.
|
Of all the special people she gained by getting a family,
I think she digs having a Grandpa the most! |
Second is I had to learn what situations apply to me and
what ones don’t. This requires Godly wisdom. About half way through our
adoption I suddenly felt guilty for taking our daughter out of her culture.
There were a lot of advocates coming on the rise for supporting first families
and doing orphan prevention. These organizations are great by the way. I
completely support what they are doing! But I started to feel like I was doing
something wrong. So with prayer and research I took a close look at our
daughter’s situation. She had birth parents who were still living. However, the
social support of their particular district was very sound and helpful. They
went through great lengths to support the birth parents in any way possible and
convince them to let go of the stigma of special needs and raise their child.
Her parents would have none of it. Without going into detail, let’s just say it
got ugly. On top of that her city spent three years trying to find her a local
home. Upon meeting the social workers, I knew they had worked so hard for her.
I had no doubt they had done everything they could. Her only two choices were
international adoption or the cold dangerous walls of the mental asylum. When
you realize what someone is saying does not apply to you, it is hard to get
defensive.
Third, extend grace for things said out of
ignorance. Educate kindly when we can, and let go of those situations where
they aren’t really looking for more information. It is ok to not have the last
word, I promise.
And lastly, for things said out of spite or hatred,
release that to the Father. Recognize that for what it is….INSECURITY. Hmmmmm.
Guess a little grace is needed there. Pray that He would fill the void from
which the hate bubbles up. “For out of the Overflow of the Heart, the
mouth speaks.” Proverbs 4:23
5. This one is far more difficult to write about
than my bruised knees or my shabby car. It is the one I have the least control
over and the most insecurity over. They are my relationships. I do get a certain excitement when my Instagram
account has enough likes that Instagram can’t write them out individually
underneath the photo. I wonder
frequently if I am bothering people, or if they really like me. I used to stew,
and rehash, and fuss over so many little situations to make sure I did the
right thing so this person will like me. I have a very painful broken
relationship with someone I love deeply that I CANNOT fix. To me this is a
black mark on my faith. We Christians are supposed to have it all together
right?
This ONE insecurity has brought me directly to the
throne of grace in the deepest way (so far, I know He wants to bring me
deeper).
Friends if this is your struggle, go straight to
Jesus and ask Him to be your security. DAILY. Would you be satisfied in Him if
you had nothing else? If the world around you crumbled and those around you
abandoned you? Would He be enough? When someone says things about you that are
not true, and lives to destruct, will you be secure in what God says about you?
When you finally learn that it takes one to forgive but two to reconcile can
you release control to the ultimate restorer of relationships? And trust Him
for the result?
All of these insecurities in my life have one root. Pride.
I want to be the best, appear the best, say the best, have the best, and live
the best. And I want to have control over it all and be elevated in the eyes of
others. This is no way to live. But I
know I am not alone in this struggle. I hope if you are struggling with self doubt that this
bring some encouragement and some inspiration to go to the source of meaning that
is worth feeling pride over. “Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you
need. My power works best in weakness’. So now I am glad to boast about my
weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2 Corinthians
12:9 Go to Him about your insecurity. Dare Him to fill the void. Let
Him amaze you.
Father forgive me for my focus on myself. Help me to
see others instead. Help me to seek You above all. Help me to release
EVERYTHING into Your capable hands. Be my security. Be my all so that there is
no room for anything else.
Carrie